I cheated

Zucchini curly fries, because the curly-fry maker was the
closest thing to a pasta maker I could find at Bed Bath & Beyond;
sundried tomato marinara;
bonus ukelele and cat in background of shot

I am well known for my real parmesan cheese addiction.
Figo servers run when they see me coming.

Yes, I just used the word "cheat" to describe consuming a tablespoon of "Grated Parmesan Flavor Cheese Alternative."  Although technically I set my original goal at 75%, which I believe I'm well above.  So it might not even be "cheating" at all.  


Whatever it was, I really enjoyed it.  I was unable to notice a substantial difference from legit Parmesan, which is potentially my biggest vice.  Well as a food, anyway.  Does that mean all this celery is killing my tastebuds?

Raw-out

Mindlessness notwithstanding, I am pretty proud of myself for sticking with this raw foods thing.  I had aimed for 75% raw, but I'm closer to 100% (not factoring in that some would not agree with my pasteurized almond consumption).

And (with the exception of a lingering neck injury from a car accident in November) my body is feeling really really great.  All of the sloth is completely gone.  My stomach just feels really good.  It sounds silly, but this feeling of physical/digestive well-being is extremely helpful as a baseline from which to distinguish physical ailments from non-physical ones.  It makes my thoughts and feelings seem somehow more pure.  Not that the thoughts are any different from what they were, but it does feel easier to *watch* what is going on in my brain when it is not covered with layers and layers of fried stuff and cheese.

But I think I'm heading a little towards raw-out (ok, that is an incredibly bad pun, but how can I call it "burnout" if I'm not allowed to ingest anything that has been heated above 106 degrees?).  While it hasn't been that hard to abstain from things I enjoy, the fact remains that the enjoyment I have always gotten from eating yummy food is just not there.  For instance, it is fair to say I am not deriving as much enjoyment from this

Broccoli mash (broccoli, Brazil nuts, garlic, salt, pepper) with
miso gravy (miso, clementine, olive oil, salt, pepper).
Not bad.  Also not exactly inspiring.

My version's a little junkier, but still -
look at all the raw food on that sandwich!

as I would from a 6-inch Subway veggie delite on wheat with American cheese, light mayo, oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper, and sunchips on the side--the latter being a fairly typical workday lunch for me.  

And as one of my only friends who has actually done the raw thing says, "what is life worth if you can NEVER have pizza?"

I have exactly two weeks of this as-raw-as-feasible phase left.  And then what of my "mindful eating"?  My original plan was to spend the rest of the six months vegan and trying to maintain a significant % raw, allowing some dairy/egg on Shabbat.  Frankly, remaining vegan should be pretty easy after this.  But how can I continue to feel as good, or almost as good, as I do now?

A friend suggested that the reason I am feeling so much better is that I could have an undiagnosed gluten or dairy intolerance.  I'm hoping it's just that I was eating way too much gluten and dairy, especially in proportion to other things.  I'm not sure what the best way is to test this, but it will be a good opportunity for me to attempt to be very mindful of my body state as I transition back to non-raw-eating in February.

Reflections on diet and unconscious meditation

It is fair to say I am overwhelmed with life right now.  Not in a bad way, but I definitely have not found myself with many spare moments to stop and meditate, let alone to write about it.  I gave myself a pass on the meditation part until Shevat because of the raw foods thing, which I would say is a real success.  I am learning about food, thinking about food, talking about food, preparing my own food, spending a lot of time on food, resisting food.  I deserve a frigging medal for abstaining from the pizza at band rehearsal last night.  Still, the blog and the experiment itself are pointless if I can't actually manage to put effort into the reflection part.

And I am committed to the effort of challenging myself during these months and writing about it.  Even a month in it seems I'm starting from below ground zero.  I think to myself dozens of times a day how unmindful I am right now and yet have not really gone the extra step from that conclusion to attempt to achieve a more mindful mental state.  I suppose I am allowing myself this time to observe and make a TON of mindless mistakes?  These past weeks have been a major losing-shit spree, during which I unburdened myself of items such as my wallet and a several-hundred-dollar pair of prescription sunglasses.

To "watch and not judge" myself in this is a struggle.  I want to beat myself over the head and spend all day agonizing over my lost items and thinking about what an idiot I am.  But largely, I have managed to stop myself.
 
And the raw food rule has at least ensured that every day, I spend time focused consciously on taking care of myself.  When I am pouring Brazil nut powder into a food processor full of raw broccoli, I have to focus a good percentage of my mental energy on it.  And as such, I am pretty much as far from work, synagogue commitments, other activities, as I ever get.  It feels good to do this.

Highly disappointing cashew cheese of my labor.
And everything else in my fridge.

One of my favorite behavioral economics authors Dan Ariely writes about a phenomenon he calls the "IKEA effect" - basically, you get enjoyment out of making something yourself and you value it higher as a result.  Now... I'm not sure the latter proposition applies in this case, as I timed an entire Sunday around a batch of cashew cheese and I find it rather useless and one of the grosser things I've eaten on the raw food diet.    I would not price it above $1.  But one of Ariely's premises is that laboring is essential to well-being.  And I wonder if that is not just the act of creating something - productivity, often goal-oriented and in some ways anti-mindful--but the act of some focused attention.

So when I make my raw food, plan my meals, and put them together, am I in any way touching on mindfulness?  Or am I just being productive?

I like to think there is some meditation in my food preparation, albeit not of the mindful sort.  I am not consciously meditating through chopping or blending, and yet I am in a quasi-meditative state.  The tasks are simple and attainable, with but they do not come naturally to me.  My attention is focused on the recipe, measuring the oil, operating the device.  And there is enough opportunity to be creative in the process to keep me engaged.

Raw food restaurants, Part 1

I am back from my business trip.  Very happily--although not terribly mindfully--back home.  I had two whole friends who were willing to accompany me to raw places while I was in NY!  I am a lucky lady.  Here are some gratuitous photos of raw food masquerading as cooked food, a concept which one of my friends took exception to.  Why does the raw food have to mimic cooked food, he asked the waitress.  I can see his point.  At the same time, I pointed out, if what you want is raw food not mimicking cooked food, I will buy you an avocado and cut it in half and give it to you with a spoon. 

In any case, the extent to which a raw food restaurant reverse engineers regular food varies to some extent.  I think it's mostly about familiarity.  We could call it "dehydrated slab of mushed nuts and seeds" to make it unique, but "raw veggie burger" just sounds more comforting.  There are unique raw items, like "nutmeat," which is basically a dip made out of nuts and spices.

Without further ado:

Lovin' It Live (Atlanta)

"The most expensive meal I've ever paid for for two people." -Halfcatastrophe's boyfriend

Seaweed soup - served warm, likely made in a Vitamix

 We ate more than soup and dessert, but I forgot to photograph it.  The nutmeat was excellent.

Far: blueberry cheesecake
Near: Sweet potato pie

Quintessence (New York):

"Pretty good." -Halfcatastrophe's non-raw extremely good sport friend (hands pictured below).

Chips and dip - Me: the chips tasted like real corn!   Non-raw friend: Regular corn chips taste like real corn. 

Far: Indian platter.  Consumed in full by non-raw friend.
Near: Mexican platter.

I was extremely happy with my Mexican platter.  The mole was delicious.  And it kept very well for the next day's lunch.

From top left: coconut creme pie, pecan pie, chia seed pudding, pumpkin pie
Non-raw friend: "they were kind of like a less-tasty version of what they're supposed to be."

And finally:

My kitchen (Atlanta):

"Holy shit I just made milk out of pumpkin seeds." -Halfcatastrophe

Baby's first vitamixperiment

Yes, my kitchen counts as a raw food restaurant, or at least it is on its way there.

Raw on the road

I'm on a weeklong business trip right now to gather declarations.  It involves me going into my client's retail stores and interviewing employees and taking their signed statements.

I have done these trips before, and they do not breed particularly good eating habits.  I generally eat stuff out of bags that I can buy at said retail stores.  One trip happened over Passover and I subsisted on almonds and Frappucinos all week.  What fate would befall my raw foods diet so far away from my newly-purchased "cooking" appliances?

I'm three days in and it hasn't been so bad.  Well, I suppose Manhattan is the best place to travel when you're on a hipster diet.  I've gotten takeout from one raw food restaurant and eaten at another.  I've gotten lucky enough to have a client store to visit in the same shopping center as a natural foods store.  I discovered rawtella.  I ordered a cobb salad from room service, no chicken, bacon, eggs, or cheese; add broccoli (it was steamed), carrot, asparagus (it also came steamed); olive oil/salt/pepper instead of dressing.

Zucchini "pasta"-
photo taken as an afterthought

And it's been fun to seek out these restaurants I never would have tried otherwise, to set these boundaries.  My energy level has been really good, and I have only marginally wanted a cup of coffee while sitting in horrific traffic on the BQE.  We'll see though, when I get up at 6 am tomorrow for my marathon day of 3 stores to hit.

Regarding other mindfulness endeavors... I'm feeling rather wrenched right now, so it's a difficult time to speak on that.  I have laid off the formal meditation but once I get a little more in the swing of the diet I will incorporate that again.  In the meantime, I am trying to watch myself but it's a challenge.  Especially while PMSing.  I hope to open up more about it soon, but I'm not quite ready.

Mindfull of myself

At minyan on Friday night (I'm a participant in an independent young-adult minyan that meets at least monthly for Shabbat services and a potluck), a good friend of mine told me that something I had said earlier that night--probably in connection with my explaining why I am on a raw food diet and referencing this blog--made me sound "mind-full of yourself."  "What?" I said.  "I don't remember," he replied.

"I was simply responding to your
erroneous statement."

This seemed horribly unfair.  I had received information that I had apparently done something wrong, but that there was no way to remedy it because he couldn't remember what it was.  I, of course, proceeded to chew my friend out for what I perceived as his meanness in this regard and remain rather snappy toward him for the rest of the evening.  My friend, of course, had probably only mentioned it because he wanted to make the pun "mind-full of yourself."  S, if you're reading this, sorry about losing my sense of humor.  Hopefully it was temporary.  I am like a Vulcan, but with Klingon emotional regulation issues.

Not exactly what my minyan friend meant by the word, but I *have* been a bit "mindfull of myself" in the sense that I am ODing on mindfulness training (perhaps in the sense he meant it too, although I do not intend for that).  I have set up for myself a regimen in which I aspire: to meditate every day (for an hour!), drastically alter my diet, quit facebook cold turkey, blog, stop losing things, cut down on multitasking, incorporate Judaism into mindfulness, possibly take a mindfulness class... leave it to me to make even mindfulness frenetic!

But my blog - and perhaps my sanity - could use a little easing into this.  So let's set some sort of a structure/ order to this mindfulness gig, happiness-project style.  I will plan to focus as follows:

-Now until Tu B'Shvat (2/8) - mindful eating/raw foods
-Tu B'Shvat to Purim (3/8) - Kabat-Zinn formal meditation and yoga
-Purim to Pesach (4/6) - informal mindfulness - stop losing things, decrease multitasking
-Pesach to Shavuot (5/28) - mindfulness through Judaism
-5/28 - end - TBA, exercise, or perhaps just trying everything again.

Inspired by my focus on eating during this section of my six months, I splurged for a vitamix.  And some other raw-food-enabling appliances.

Louis Pasteur is cramping my style

I'm at about day 7 of mostly raw.  Now, it hasn't really been that simple, because day 1 and 2 were a juice detox, which I ended by scarfing a heavily-battered veggie corn dog (not vegan).  Since that last hurrah, I have subsisted primarily on avocados, bananas, mixed nuts, smoothies with kale, OJ, almond butter, and high-price mediocre-tasting packaged products labeled "raw" and purchased from my local natural-foods grocery.  My only two cooked meals have been a spicy veggie stir-fry with rice (ate some cooked vegan tortilla chips that night too) and steel-cut oatmeal with soymilk.  I also fasted for the Tenth of Tevet yesterday from sunup to sundown - no food or water.

Observations about my mostly-raw diet so far:

• In this country, the only way to get a truly "raw" almond is to grow it yourself, or buy it in bulk off the internet for $8+ a pound.  No, you can't even get it at Sevananda, those bitches are pasteurized.
• This pasteurization thing is true of a lot of things.  Remind me why pasteurization is important again?  Oh right, killing bacteria or something?
• In the hubbub of my indoctrination all about how AWFUL dead, cooked foods are, I forgot that actually eating raw stuff can be dangerous.  Eating raw shiitake mushrooms can cause major skin rash - I will tell you if I am red and itchy in 48 hours.
• Raw food renders much of my kitchenware and appliances useless.  Apparently to fully take advantage of a raw-food diet I will need about $1500 of brand new appliances that it has never before occurred to me to use.  This includes a $600 blender, a dehydrator, a food processor, and a juicer with a "masticator."  
• Raw food takes substantial time to think about and prepare, even if you are doing the Super Sevananda Run version.  Enough time that it is extremely difficult to add 1.5 hours of meditation to my day + eat.  Eating takes precedence, so meditation is getting a little thrown under the bus here (although I am still trying to do some every day).  
• Digestion has been... interesting.  Symptoms could be detox, or could be ODing on chlorophyll.
• I have noticeably more energy.  Genuinely and unquestionably.  Have not had coffee, decaf coffee, tea, coke, etc. in over a week.  

The energy boost so quickly is quite enough to motivate me to continue with this and even to try to go 100% raw for at least a week.  Then again, some purists don't consider you 100% raw unless you drink juice within 15 minutes of squeezing it, eat nothing pasteurized, soak and sprout all your nuts and seeds, and so on.  One could drive oneself batty with all these rules.  But even without going all the way raw I feel I have experienced some serious benefits over the past week.  I will be interested to see what happens next!

The raisin game, and going raw

Kabat-Zinn introduces his stress clinic through a mindful-eating experiment, which he summarizes as "we give everybody three raisins and we eat them one at a time, paying attention to what we are actually doing and experiencing from moment to moment."  (FCL at 27)

I first heard of this raisin game (term is mine) through a local orthodox rabbi, who did a seminar at Limmud, months before I had heard of Kabat-Zinn - the name of the seminar escapes me the moment, but it involved visualization experiments.  We did not do the raisin game, but the rabbi mentioned in describing related exercises that he apparently leads a practice involving eating raisins and that people tell him afterwards "wow, I've never tasted anything like that before!"  Although I adore this rabbi and find his approach inspiring, his remarks about this raisin class discomfited me.  I have no interest in having slow, sensual experiences with my food.  And the idea of a bunch of people sitting there with their eyes closed rolling raisins around their tongues and thinking of adjectives about it is a bit repulsive to me.

Then a therapist actually had me do the experiment.  This was again before I had read any Kabat-Zinn.  I tried to participate fully with an open mind - seriously, I tried - but I sucked at it.  You have to stare at the raisin and smell it and feel it before you eat it.  You are supposed to notice the differences between the raisins and all that.  I was fairly impatient with this.  Ok, this is a flat, wrinkly raisin.  And once we got into the eating part, I didn't like thinking about raisins getting moist and plump in my mouth.  Perhaps I would have enjoyed the exercise more with a regular fruit.  Raisins remind me too much of shriveled-up umbilical cords and over-soaked fingertips.  

Personally, the joy I experience from food comes from shoveling large quantities of it down my throat quickly and continuously until I feel full.  Said food is typically cheesy, fried, or both.  Food in the way I experience it is amazing.  Eating is my favorite activity.  I am even a decent enough cook, if a bit limited.  When I lose faith in all else in the world, I am often able to comfort myself somewhat by thinking about some delicious consumable.  Mmmmmm.  Food.

And I tend to disagree that my devouring eating style means I do not appreciate food or that I'm somehow missing some dimension of it.  I did not particularly enjoy those raisins or the act of eating them.  I also tried slow/mindful eating of a cinnamon roll on December 27 and did not feel like the cinnamon roll tasted better or worse. I was only frustrated because I wanted to eat it faster.  

So I am not what you would call a "mindful" eater by nature.  But as a vegetarian since 2010 and keeping some level of kosher for over 15 years, I consider myself a thoughtful eater.  Kashrut, by the way, has been described as "Judaism's compromise with the ideal of vegetarianism."  (Prager & Telushkin, The Nine Questions People Ask about Judaism, at 59.)  I do not have real trouble abstaining from certain ingredients (meat, or chametz during Passover) altogether, or fasting on Yom Kippur.  I even tried veganism once before, again inspired by the month of Tu B'Shvat last year.  But try to get me to control portion sizes or just generally eat healthier, or slower, or less?  Good luck.

So I begin my approach to eating mindfully for these six months with what works for me - ingredient control.  While still a work in progress, this is what I'm aiming for right now:

• Arden's Garden 2-day juice detox, starting yesterday
• 75% raw food diet, otherwise vegan, until Tu B'Shvat (2/8)
• Vegan diet, goal of 50%+ raw for the remainder of the 6 months, but allowing myself to indulge in dairy/eggs on Shabbat and possibly other special occasions
• On Shabbat, trying to eat at least one meal slowly/mindfully

Raw food will be a major challenge, especially in winter when a bowl of hot soup or a cup of hot coffee always sounds so nice... I think 75% sounds like a good goal, but there are certainly some that suggest you won't get the benefits if you don't go all the way.  In any case, I hope raw foods will help improve my eating habits and assist in my mindfulness goals.