Not only haven't I blogged, I really haven't meditated. After my last post I meditated every day that week, just about, but then life just took over. I am under some crazy deadlines for work.
I'm still trying to observe myself, which is not the same thing as mindfulness I know, but it is perhaps a precursor to it. I feel that I have figured out a great deal about myself, what gives me anxiety in my stomach that feels like I've been punched and won't go away. I have figured out some of the unhealthy behavior I tend to do in response to this feeling just to try to make it go away.
It sounds silly but one of the things that has helped me to do this a lot is a period calendar app that I started using a few 3 weeks ago. So for example, when I have wrenching anxiety and my iphone tells me "6 days left," I can convince myself that hey, a portion of this is just hormones, and whatever stupid thing is bothering me right now is probably a red herring. This knowledge itself doesn't make the painful anxiety subside, but it has been somewhat effective in preventing me from doing or saying something inappropriate in the interim.
I still have intentions to make a legitimate effort at daily formal meditation - I just need to figure out how. It is difficult to work anything into my schedule that doesn't come naturally to me when work is so crazy. Everybody says work is crazy, so it seems to have lost its meaning. I wish there were something more compelling I could say to portray the absolutely frantic pace of my life right now.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Timed meditation 2/15/11
I didn't meditate yesterday. I intended to, but I ended up having anxiety most of the day, and then a pretty high-stress evening. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to meditate, but what I needed at that time was comfort and just didn't feel comfortable alone with my thoughts at the end of that day. Instead, I played/wrote music. Music has been my meditative avenue throughout my life before I ever considered formal meditation - I've been working on another post on that.
So instead, I went to bed late and meditated when I woke up this morning. Like my last meditation, I used the "Insight Timer" app, which I paid I think $2 for. In this blog, I'll call these "timed" meditations, and what I mean by that is that I set a timer to go off after a certain amount of time. I have not yet made it all the way through a timed meditation without opening my eyes at least once to look at the clock.
Time: 20 minutes
Place: On the frame at the foot of my bed
Focus: breath, self-guided body scan
Distractions: my phone's sound was off so the initial gong at the beginning of the meditation didn't make a sound - so I was worried that the end gong would also not make a sound. There were also some howling dogs, and at one point, a big creak in my house.
Stray thoughts: some, but I am proud of myself that my mind did not try to plan any work or projects until the last few minutes - ideas and planning are the main stray thought that I would like to be able to distance myself from during my meditation time.
Attention span: I made it through 15 minutes without looking at the clock. Then my house made a random loud noise and I was so startled that I literally jumped up. I looked at the clock, saw there were 5 minutes remaining, and was a bit anxious because I suspected that my meditation bell would not go off because the sound wasn't off. I meditated for a few more minutes and then opened my eyes again because I was not sure if the 20 minutes were up. There was one minute left. I closed my eyes for another maybe 1.5 minutes, then had to open them because indeed, the gong did not go off.
Other comments: I felt like I was breathing a little hard and loudly - but breathing loudly helps me pay more attention to the breath. It gives a nice sense of breathing over my wild thoughts, like a massive rushing waterfall that drowns out all the noise around it with its constant, strong flow.
Time: 20 minutes
Place: On the frame at the foot of my bed
Focus: breath, self-guided body scan
Distractions: my phone's sound was off so the initial gong at the beginning of the meditation didn't make a sound - so I was worried that the end gong would also not make a sound. There were also some howling dogs, and at one point, a big creak in my house.
Stray thoughts: some, but I am proud of myself that my mind did not try to plan any work or projects until the last few minutes - ideas and planning are the main stray thought that I would like to be able to distance myself from during my meditation time.
Attention span: I made it through 15 minutes without looking at the clock. Then my house made a random loud noise and I was so startled that I literally jumped up. I looked at the clock, saw there were 5 minutes remaining, and was a bit anxious because I suspected that my meditation bell would not go off because the sound wasn't off. I meditated for a few more minutes and then opened my eyes again because I was not sure if the 20 minutes were up. There was one minute left. I closed my eyes for another maybe 1.5 minutes, then had to open them because indeed, the gong did not go off.
Other comments: I felt like I was breathing a little hard and loudly - but breathing loudly helps me pay more attention to the breath. It gives a nice sense of breathing over my wild thoughts, like a massive rushing waterfall that drowns out all the noise around it with its constant, strong flow.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
How I feel about Kabat-Zinn's publisher
(chat with Amazon Kindle Specialist after I was looking for a highlight I'd made in this book on my kindle, and found that about 1/2 my highlights were never created because I had "reached the clippings limit" without ever being warned, as I usually read wirelessly:)
Me:
Aizaz:
Me:
Aizaz:
Me:
Aizaz:
Me:
Aizaz:
Valentine's Day
Is apparently also a common day for lawyers to break off and form a new firm. This is the second firm I've worked for that was "born" on Valentine's Day.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Timed meditation 2/13/12
20 minutes on my floor on a pillow, sitting up, using meditation timer app. Begin: 1:24 AM. I have had a pretty go nonstop day but I still made time to honor my meditation commitment. Despite wanting to just go to bed after returning from the office at 1.
It was an inspiring start though, doing this even though today was so squished and tomorrow promises to be even more so. The act of this was empowering.
The meditation itself would not have impressed anyone. I fidgeted and had to check the time twice, at about 7 and 14 minutes. I had to switch leg positions for discomfort too. One of my cats kept trying to grab my outstretched hand. Stray thoughts abounded. But it is a start, and it felt good.
Time: 20 minutes
Place: On the floor in my bedroom, on a throw pillow
Focus: breath, self-guided body scan
Distractions: Yellow cat. (to protect the innocent, I will refrain from using my cat's names and will instead call them "gray cat" and "yellow cat"). Yellow cat kept trying to grab my finger with his paws. I have never actually seen him do that before. Gray cat was pretty good - he did not even try to get in my lap, he just sat next to me quietly.
Stray thoughts: I'm doing this post-hoc, so I don't remember
Attention span: I opened my eyes to look at the clock about every 7 minutes
Other comments: Again, I'm doing this post-hoc, so not sure.
It was an inspiring start though, doing this even though today was so squished and tomorrow promises to be even more so. The act of this was empowering.
The meditation itself would not have impressed anyone. I fidgeted and had to check the time twice, at about 7 and 14 minutes. I had to switch leg positions for discomfort too. One of my cats kept trying to grab my outstretched hand. Stray thoughts abounded. But it is a start, and it felt good.
Time: 20 minutes
Place: On the floor in my bedroom, on a throw pillow
Focus: breath, self-guided body scan
Distractions: Yellow cat. (to protect the innocent, I will refrain from using my cat's names and will instead call them "gray cat" and "yellow cat"). Yellow cat kept trying to grab my finger with his paws. I have never actually seen him do that before. Gray cat was pretty good - he did not even try to get in my lap, he just sat next to me quietly.
Stray thoughts: I'm doing this post-hoc, so I don't remember
Attention span: I opened my eyes to look at the clock about every 7 minutes
Other comments: Again, I'm doing this post-hoc, so not sure.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The end of phase 1
Tu B'shvat last week marked the end of the "mindful eating" phase of my blog. I intend to post about Tu B'shvat separately. But for now, raw food conclusions:
1) I really don't have time to blog, and I imagine this blog will continue to fall short in that regard.
2) I enjoyed learning about different diets and food lifestyles through living mostly raw, and through talking to people about living raw. I did feel like this opened my eyes to different ways to be.
3) I saw significant increase in energy on the raw diet. I would recommend the raw diet to anyone feeling slothful. I also felt really settled in my stomach pretty much all the time, which was so nice. Note: my boyfriend, who was doing "vegan" but not really focused as much on raw, did not notice any benefits like this.
4) Physical downsides of raw: I felt like I was consuming a ton of sugar from all that fruit. I felt that the sugar and all the hard foods I was eating was really hard on my teeth. I had some tooth pain from that.
5) I'm not sure the raw-ness was really mindful at all in itself. The couple of times I tried to have a "mindful meal" -- meaning eating slowly, concentrating on the food itself and nothing else, chewing a bunch of times before swallowing -- I really didn't do that well. Interestingly, I did not feel full or satisfied until I had eaten a few bites quickly and heartily, per usual. I felt that I ended up eating *more* as a result, because it seems to be the act of forcefully filling my stomach that makes me full.
6) On the other hand, eating raw was pretty time-consuming, requiring me to take additional time to plan my meals and take "me time" to make them. The additional time I spent preparing this food was enjoyable.
So my first phase of the month of mindful? Not very mindful. But it allowed me a little time to observe some things that I want to focus on.
In this post, I set out a plan where the phase from now until Purim is meant to be "formal meditation and yoga." I started doing body scans daily starting on Tuesday, and fell asleep every time. FORTY MINUTES IS A LONG TIME on a daily basis, when I can't seem to stay awake for it. I don't want to give up on Kabat-Zinn entirely, but I am going to refine this a bit: from now until Purim I meditate for 20+ minutes daily. And yoga? That may have to wait or take a back burner, but I do intend to incorporate it somehow.
I am starting to concoct big plans for my "informal meditation" phase, including a day of no multitasking, a week of no cell phone, and mindfulness through music...
1) I really don't have time to blog, and I imagine this blog will continue to fall short in that regard.
2) I enjoyed learning about different diets and food lifestyles through living mostly raw, and through talking to people about living raw. I did feel like this opened my eyes to different ways to be.
3) I saw significant increase in energy on the raw diet. I would recommend the raw diet to anyone feeling slothful. I also felt really settled in my stomach pretty much all the time, which was so nice. Note: my boyfriend, who was doing "vegan" but not really focused as much on raw, did not notice any benefits like this.
4) Physical downsides of raw: I felt like I was consuming a ton of sugar from all that fruit. I felt that the sugar and all the hard foods I was eating was really hard on my teeth. I had some tooth pain from that.
5) I'm not sure the raw-ness was really mindful at all in itself. The couple of times I tried to have a "mindful meal" -- meaning eating slowly, concentrating on the food itself and nothing else, chewing a bunch of times before swallowing -- I really didn't do that well. Interestingly, I did not feel full or satisfied until I had eaten a few bites quickly and heartily, per usual. I felt that I ended up eating *more* as a result, because it seems to be the act of forcefully filling my stomach that makes me full.
6) On the other hand, eating raw was pretty time-consuming, requiring me to take additional time to plan my meals and take "me time" to make them. The additional time I spent preparing this food was enjoyable.
So my first phase of the month of mindful? Not very mindful. But it allowed me a little time to observe some things that I want to focus on.
In this post, I set out a plan where the phase from now until Purim is meant to be "formal meditation and yoga." I started doing body scans daily starting on Tuesday, and fell asleep every time. FORTY MINUTES IS A LONG TIME on a daily basis, when I can't seem to stay awake for it. I don't want to give up on Kabat-Zinn entirely, but I am going to refine this a bit: from now until Purim I meditate for 20+ minutes daily. And yoga? That may have to wait or take a back burner, but I do intend to incorporate it somehow.
I am starting to concoct big plans for my "informal meditation" phase, including a day of no multitasking, a week of no cell phone, and mindfulness through music...
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Crazy vegan
I haven't had time to post because I am running around like a madwoman doing everything under the sun. More about that later. I hope.
But I am writing now to inform you that I have officially made the transition to crazy vegan. I made zucchini dip this morning in my vitamix (zucchini, various herbs I had in my kitchen, garlic, lemon juice, olive oil) and now I'm eating it with raw vegetables. And I actually had the thought - is it cruel to dip this zucchini in pureed zucchini before eating it? And I ACTUALLY felt some sympathy for the zucchini, like I used to all the time when I ate meat.
Somehow I want to justify this as reminiscent of the Torah verse "thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother's milk," which has led to the laws of kashrut requiring separation of all dairy and all meat.
But no. This isn't spiritual. It's just crazy. Or I'm just tired.
But I am writing now to inform you that I have officially made the transition to crazy vegan. I made zucchini dip this morning in my vitamix (zucchini, various herbs I had in my kitchen, garlic, lemon juice, olive oil) and now I'm eating it with raw vegetables. And I actually had the thought - is it cruel to dip this zucchini in pureed zucchini before eating it? And I ACTUALLY felt some sympathy for the zucchini, like I used to all the time when I ate meat.
Somehow I want to justify this as reminiscent of the Torah verse "thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother's milk," which has led to the laws of kashrut requiring separation of all dairy and all meat.
But no. This isn't spiritual. It's just crazy. Or I'm just tired.
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